Dear Uncute Machine Freak
by iWaffle77
Summary: When you're too lazy to call, send letters. At least that's what Ed did. Crackfic parody, mostly EdWin. Featuring Mustang, like a boss.
1. Applepie and whatnot

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, Bradley would've had a Hitler mustache.

* * *

**Chapter I: Applepie and whatnot**

_Part I _

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**How's the applepie. **

**Yours,**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Haven't I told you to give me a call?! And I do hope you drink your milk. And by the way, did you get any taller?

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**DAMN, WOMAN, YOU'RE ANNOYING. I'm already wasting enough time writing to you, why should I call you?! And no, I'm not drinking that poison. And yes, yes, they keep on comparing me to Brad Pitt. Colonel Mustang is very jealous of me.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I don't understand what you've got against milk. It's 87% made of water.

P.S.: I don't believe you.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**How do you know that?**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

All you talk about is alchemy.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**All YOU talk about is automail.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

And you still don't know anything about it.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**You like to play tough.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

:)

Winry.

_Part II_

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You forgot to call.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I did not.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

ALL YOU DO IS WORRYING ME. Is it so hard to give a damn call?

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Depends on who you're calling.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I can easily throw a wrench from Resembool to Central. Don't test my strength.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**YOU'RE THE REASON I HAVE NIGHTMARES WITH WRENCHES AND BOLTS.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

All according to plan.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Applepie?**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Wrenchpie.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**NOW I'LL NEVER EAT A PIE. I'LL NEVER TOUCH A PIE. AND I'LL NEVER LOOK AT ONE.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Just as planned.

Winry.

**Dear EVIL Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I HOPE YOU DROWN IN MILK.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I hope you stay short.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.**

**Ed.**

* * *

Hope you guys liked it. Reviews are welcomed. And I have no idea why there are two parts. If you liked it follow and wait patiently for chapter 2 C:

P.S.: This is my first fanfic. Be nice. Or I will find you and transmute you.


	2. The Granny and the Stalker

**Author's Note**: I really enjoy writing this, and I do hope you enjoy reading it. Please review? :D?

* * *

**Chapter II: The Granny and the Stalker**

_Part I_

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**Hi.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You won't call. Right?

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Nope.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I'm holding a wrench and thinking of you.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**That word. Is a taboo.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

So how are things going?

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**Well I might make you a visit.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Did something happen to my precious automail?

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**No, I'm just hungry.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I'm going to study alchemy and transmute your ass to Hell.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Since when do you talk like that...**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

That was Granny.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**...**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I swear.

Winry.

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**That woman scares the shit out of me.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You know, she's quite nice if you get to know her, midget.

Winry.

**Dear Granny Pinako,**

**Bring Winry back.**

**Ed.**

Dear Midget,

Send us pictures of you two, dammit!

Pinako.

**Dear Old Hag,**

**You also want an autograph?**

**Ed.**

Dear Midget,

If it's from Major Armstrong, then yes.

Pinako.

**Dear Old Hag, **

**You don't get any pictures. **

**P.S.: No autographs either. **

**Ed.**

Dear Midget,

:C

Pinako.

_Part II_

Dear Fullmetal,

It's funny 'cause I get to read your correspondence before you send it.

Colonel Mustang.

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Stalker. ಠ****_ಠ**

**Ed.**

Dear Fullmetal,

I am not a stalker, Brad Pitt-wannabe.

P.S.: I am not jealous of you. You may look like Brad Pitt, but I look like David Beckham.

Colonel Mustang.

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Let's meet at the Central Library in one hour. I heard it's raining today.**

**Ed.**

Dear Fullmetal,

Paperwork.

Colonel Mustang.

**Dear Colonel Mustang, **

**Applepie.**

**Ed.**

Dear Fullmetal,

What?

Colonel Mustang.

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Nothing.**

**Ed.**

* * *

Thank you for reading. I'm really looking forward to read some opinions.

Is it good? Does it make you want to eat apple pie? Does it make you laugh? If not, does it make you smile at least? Review and make the author happy. Thank you.


	3. The Internet

**Author's Note**: 3 reviews and 1 follow. It's a start. :D

* * *

**Chapter III: The Internet**

_Part I_

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**Hughes wants to know how the apple pie's doing.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Since when is your name Hughes? Did you marry him? Poor guy.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**$£*$$£)$$¥€ ))€&£$:€/&$£**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

That's rude. By the way, I sent you some milk bottles few days ago. Did they arrive?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**You can send milk. But you can't send a $*)€;/ £$$*** pie.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Didn't you figure out already? I care about you health and height. The more milk you drink the taller you get. Not to mention that milk is a good source of calcium, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Ok. Who the hell are you and what did you do to Winry.**

**Ed.**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I AM Winry. The source of the information sent in the previous letter is called the Internet. Wikipedia, actually. It's my new discovery and I'm so happy I found it. I also found a rather interesting automail forum.

Winry

**Dear Internet Freak,**

**I can hardly recognize you.**

**Ed**

Dear Caveman,

I'm just trying to keep up with the times. By the way, I recently made a new Facebook account. You should join, it's quite fun. Also, my iPhone should arrive soon. Mr. Apple surely won't disappoint me. Plus, I heard there is an App with a step-by-step tutorial on how to build/fix automail. That could be useful to you. And you won't come at me to fix your limbs anymore. Only for food...

Winry

**Dear Winry,**

**Brb. **

**Ed.**

_Part II_

**Dear Mr. Apple,**

**Have mercy, bring me an iPhone and I will bring you Olivier Armstrong, she's flawless. Equivalent exchange. Please.**

**Please.**

**Ed**

Dear Edward-kun,

I prefer Izumi Curtis. Howsoever, I can't help you. I'm quite busy. Have a nice day!

Yours faithfully,

Steve Jobs

**Dear Sir Jobs, **

**Is this because I called you Mr. Apple? Damned.**

**Ed**

_Part III_

Dear Caveman,

Whazzap.

Winry

**Dear Alien, **

**What?**

**Ed**

Dear Caveman,

U$3 G00gl3 Tr nsl te.

Winry

**Dear Stranger,**

**I'll make you a visit. With the whole army.**

**Ed**

Dear Caveman,

Also bring the Fuhrer, I need a new profile pic.

Winry

**Dear Complete Stranger,**

**Ok.**

* * *

Ok, so I personally didn't like this one. If it really sucks, then you should know it was written at like...4 am.

P.S.: Maybe, just maybe Winry had found a time machine.

Review. Thanks.


	4. Wrenches and Love

So here it is. Chapter IV. Yeah, so school started and my life has been quite a mess this week. But anyway.

Roses are red, violets are blue, please fav my fanfic and review it, too! :D

* * *

**Chapter IV: Wrenches and Love**

_Part I_

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I broke the automail arm. :D**

**Ed**

Dear DumbShortIncompetentDead Alchemy Freak,

What?

Winry

**Dear MostAwesomeandCute Machine Freak,**

**HAVE MERCY, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You think I'm cute?

Winry

**Dear Machine Freak,**

**This is all part of your evil plan. Isn't it? WAIT, WHAT THE-**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Did the wrench arrive?

Winry

**Dear Deadly Machine Freak,**

**Yes. **

**...**

**HOW DID YOU DO THAT. WHAT KIND OF EVIL POWERS DO YOU HAVE. WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I actually gave Al a call and he did it for me.

Winry

**Dear UNCUTE Machine Freak,**

**That explains a lot.**

**Ed**

_Part II_

Dear Fullmetal,

Bring me some apple pie from Resembool.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Make me.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

Pretty please.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Excuse me while I laugh out loud for a bit. "Pretty please". I suppose that letter was sent by Armstrong or something.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

Hahahahahaha...ha.

P.S.: Ha.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**No, really. Winry only made apple pie for Hughes. She wants me to give it to him.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

Oh, what a pity. He's in Hawaii with his wife and daughter and since I am his best friend I'm going to give it to him. :D

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Bastard,**

**Nice try. But I'm eating it on the way back.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullbastard,

May you rot in Armstrong's embrace.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Bastard,**

**You know your life would suck without me.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullbastard,

Yes, there would be no midgets running around and causing trouble. It would be far too boring.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Bastard,**

**I'm coming back home today.**

**P.S.: It's raining~ **

**Ed**

Dear Fullbastard,

I have Lt. Hawkeye, no worries.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Roy and Riza sitting in a tree.**

**K.I.S.S.I.N.G**

**Winry**

Dear Fullmetal's Girlfriend,

WTF.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

** ಠ****_ಠ**

**Winry**

Dear Cute Resembool Girl,

I suppose it was your fault Lt. Hawkeye just hit me with a wrench.

P.S.: Have you ever thought of joining the army? Your skills are rather impressive. Plus, you'd be great for my new mini-skirt crew.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**It wasn't actually my fault. And I'm not joining the army.**

**Winry**

Dear Cute Resembool Girl,

I guess that means Lt. and I will have a serious conversation.

After she finishes the paperwork...

Colonel Mustang

* * *

It was actually Ed's fault. xD

Thanks again for reading. I'll be back with a new chapter ASAP. :D


	5. To be a Fuhrer

I'm a RoyxRiza shipper, so I decided to dedicate this chapter to them. ^w^ Enjoy.

By the way, I really enjoy reading your reviews.

* * *

**Chapter V: To be a Fuhrer**

_Part I_

Dear Colonel,

I have a girlfriend and you don't.

Havoc

**Dear Lt. Havoc,**

**Oh really. I'm wondering what's wrong with women these days.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

What do you mean?

Havoc

**Dear Lt. Havoc,**

**Never mind. Hey, do you think she could join my mini-skirt army?**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

No way!

Havoc

**Dear Lt. Havoc,**

**If she's the girl you were hanging out with yesterday at that Café then it's an order: She must join. Her legs are amazing. Listen to your superior...**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

That girl yesterday was Lt. Hawkeye.

Havoc

**Dear Lt. Havoc,**

**WHAT. WHAT WERE YOU AND LIEUTENANT DOING THERE. AND WHY WASN'T SHE WORKING.**

**Colonel Angry**

Dear Colonel Jealous,

She isn't my girlfriend. We went there as friends.

Havoc

**Dear Lt. Havoc,**

**The weather is amazing today. It must be the destiny, Havoc.**

**P.S.: I am not jealous.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

I HAVE A WATER GUN. YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE.

Havoc

**Dear Lt. Havoc,**

**You're right. You'll die immediately.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

I'm right next to you.

Riza

_Part II_

Dear Colonel,

I heard you and Lt. Hawkeye are dating. Oh, I'm so happy for you! Please accept my embrace.

Major Armstrong

**Dear Major,**

**NO.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel Naughty,

You're dating Riza, eh, Mustang? Well Elicia needs someone to play with so make babies already.

Hughes

**Dear Hughes,**

**I will never forgive you for that. Never.**

**P.S.: Never.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel Mustang,

HA, LOOOOOL.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**Oh, God, why.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

MISSY IS MINE.

Barry the Chopper

**Dear Barry the WHAT?!,**

**WTF.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel Mustang,

Ah, I was the same at your age. Keep it up, son.

Fuhrer King Bradley

**Dear Fuhrer Bradley,**

**So all I have to do is to date a woman in order to become Fuhrer?**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel Mustang,

Or more.

Fuhrer King Bradley

**Dear Fuhrer Bradley,**

**Oh.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel Mustang,

We're not dating. Right?

Riza

**Dear Lt. Hawkeye,**

**What. You don't like me?**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

So they all washed your brain, I see.

Riza

**Dear Beloved Lieutenant,**

**What brain. I'm in love. I can't think straight.**

**Roy**

Dear Colonel,

You are either drunk or...oh no.

Riza

**Dear Beloved Lieutenant,**

**You will be the leader of my mini-skirt army.**

**Roy**

Dear God,

Why.

Riza

* * *

Yeah. Roy would do anything in order to become Fuhrer. But we all know he really loves Riza. ^^ So yeah. This chapter seemed shorter, but I enjoyed writing it.

Keep calm and review. xD


	6. Blackmail

I'm not feeling very well. So I didn't go to school today. Therefore, new chapter. c:

* * *

**Chapter VI: Blackmail**

_Part I_

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Am I good enough for your miniskirt army?**

**Olivier Armstrong**

Dear Author of this fic,

Why are you doing this to me.

Roy

_Part II_

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**The pie was great. You're quite talented in the kitchen.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I beg your pardon?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Whatever you say. Just bake more, it's amazing. Yummy.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

First of all, that pie was for Mr. Hughes and his family. Secondly, go to hell. That is a stereotype.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Yeah, sure. But to think about it...I don't see Olivier Armstrong or Lt. Hawkeye cooking...**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

Neither do I.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel,**

**Stop reading my correspondence or I'll tell the Fuhrer you were the one who told Selim where babies come from.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

Shit.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**That's because it is a stereotype!**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Oh, I forgot about you. What were we talking about again?

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**Jerk...**

**Winry**

Dear Fullmetal,

You really don't know how to act around women...

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel,**

**That's it, I'm telling the Fuhrer.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

Shall I remind you I'm your superior?

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel,**

**Yeah, and the Fuhrer, who is YOUR superior, won't be too happy to hear that.**

**Ed**

Dear Fullmetal,

That's blackmail. Evil brat.

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**What takes so long to write back?**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

I'm busy blackmailing fat people.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**Who's fat?**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

Shut up.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**But that's mean.**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Exactly.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**And who's this fat guy you are blackmailing?**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Colonel Mustang.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**But he's not fat.**

**Winry**

Dear Cute Resembool Girl,

Finally someone who understands me!

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Colonel,**

**I was just trying to be nice. You actually gained some weight since the last time I saw you.**

**Winry**

Dear Cute Resembool Girl,

It's so hard to please a woman...

Colonel Mustang

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**What the hell is going on here.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I have no idea, let's ask the author.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Ok.**

**Ed**

Dear Author,

What is going on here?

Ed & Winry

**Dear Ed & Winry,**

**I'm doing this to amuse people from all around the world that are reading this fic. Not to mention that I ship you two, and this is quite fun.**

**iWaffle77**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

...she ships us two.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I'd rather be with Mustang.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Fuck you, too.

Winry

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**I'm flattered.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

I'm sure you are.

Ed

**Dear Author,**

**Are you getting close to writer's block?**

**Winry**

Dear Winry,

Yep.

iWaffle77

* * *

Am I the only one that wants to eat pie right now? I guess chocolate will do.

Thank you for the reviews guys. Keep reviewing and I'll keep entertaining you.


	7. Valentine's Day

**Author's Note:** I'M REALLY SORRY I MADE YOU WAIT.

BUT SCHOOL.

EXAMS.

...enjoy the chapter.

* * *

**CHAPTER VII: Valentine's Day**

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**Happy Valentine's Day.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

That's so cute!

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Whatever.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Why do you always ruin everything?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**That's my job.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You're soulless like an empty suit armor.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**His name is Al, woman, Al. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Don't play dumb and go find out what Colonel bought Riza.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Probably dog food.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You are VERY rude.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**No, I meant for her dog, not for her.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

...go find out what he actually bought her.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Make me.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

How about some pie.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I'll do whatever you want, milady. **

**Ed**

* * *

Dear Mustang,

You sent miniskirts to every woman in the Military.

Fuhrer King Bradley

**Dear Fuhrer,**

**Exactly.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Mustang,

Keep up the good work and you'll be promoted.

Fuhrer King Bradley

**Dear Fuhrer,**

**I knew the miniskirts would change my life.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

Hello there.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**I bought her a miniskirt.**

**Roy**

Dear Colonel,

Hey, thank you, man.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**You're welcome, enjoy the apple pie.**

**Roy**

Dear Colonel,

Enjoy the skirts.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**I'll enjoy absolutely every minute of this masterpiece.**

**Thank you.**

**Roy**

* * *

Dear Falman,

Happy Valentine's Day!

Havoc

**Dear Havoc,**

**Thanks, man...**

**Falman**

* * *

**Dear Lust,**

**Happy Valentine's Day. I hope your breasts get all the attention they deserve.**

**Greed**

Dear Greed,

No, you can't see them.

Lust

**Dear Lust,**

**BUT. I BEG YOU.**

**Greed**

Dear Greed,

No boobs until you do your homework.

Father

**Dear Father,**

**You got to be kidding me.**

**Greed**

Dear Father,

Can I date Edward Elric?

Envy

**Dear Father,**

**Can I eat Edward Elric?**

**Gluttony**

Dear Envy & Gluttony,

After you finish high school.

Father

**Dear Father,**

**...**

**The Homunculi**

* * *

Happy Valentine's Day~

And I might write a new chapter this weekend.

I hate school.


	8. Upgrades and Trolls

**Author's Note:** I am pleased to announce that I am back from the dead. The reason why I haven't been posting for a while is that I made a contract with a demon. It's called school.

...moving on. I decided to write a chapter per month. I hope you're not mad at me, guys. Maybe I'll write more than one each month, but that depends on how much time this demon I've told you about will leave me with.

Enjoy the chapter.

* * *

**CHAPTER VIII: Upgrades and Trolls**

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**I think I'm going to give you a call. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

REALLY?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak **

**No. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I should have known.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**So how are you? How's Den?**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I'm fine. Den is fine, as well. Barking happily. Just like you.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**... **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Granny is, too.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Is she barking?**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

NO, I MEANT SHE'S FINE, YOU IDIOT. Anyway...how's Al? Your automail?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**The automail is good as new. And Al is playing strip poker with Colonel Mustang. It's funny 'cause he is...an empty suit of armour. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Al sure is a troll.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**You know...I'm doing pretty good, too.**

**Ed **

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Oh, is that so?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**No, Al put milk in my shampoo.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

HA, GOOD ONE.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**You have no idea how much that incident made me suffer.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You could have transmuted the milk.

Or something.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Please. Stick to automail.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Bring me an autograph from Robert Pattinson and I will upgrade your automail.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**That was random. But deal.**

**Wait, are you reading Twilight again?**

**Ed **

Dear Alchemy Freak,

No, grandma does.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Well, alright. As long as my automail will have Siri, Temple Run, a radio and an HD camera. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

...waffles.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak, **

**WINRY, YOU GENIUS! AN AUTOMAIL ARM THAT LAUNCHES WAFFLES. AND APPLE PIE! WOMAN, YOU ARE THE BEST!**

**Ed **

Dear Alchemy Freak,

*facepalm*

Winry

* * *

I want an automail arm that launches waffles ;-; How about one that launches reviews? C; Ok, kidding. I'll try writing more as soon as possible. I don't like disappointing people. Especially loyal readers. TT~TT


	9. Doubts

**Author's Note:** Finally found some time and ideas for a new chapter...Enjoy.

* * *

**CHAPTER IX: Doubts. **

Dear Nii-san,

Where are you? I can't find you anywhere...Have you decided to marry the Colonel and leave Winry to me?

Al

**Dear Al,**

**No way. But close enough. I'm in his office.**

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

Please excuse my indiscretion...but what are you doing in his office~?

Al

**Dear Al,**

**Transmuting stuff. Like your perverted mind in your shampoo.**

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

I already apologised for putting milk in your shampoo!

Al

**Dear Al,**

**I am still shocked. **

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

Well what about me? I'm shocked whenever I hear you're spending more time with Colonel that you do with me!

Al

**Dear Al,**

**Brother, please. I'm a ladies' man.**

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

I'm starting to doubt that.

Al

**Dear Al,**

**Excuse me?**

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

I excuse you, but...I wanted nephews. If you marry Mustang...

Al

**Dear Al,**

**You are slowly turning into Winry.**

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

No, the one that's turning into a girl is you.

Al

**Dear Al,**

**Don't make me transmute the kitties I found in your closet.**

**Ed**

Dear Nii-san,

What were you doing in my closet?

Al

**Dear Al,**

**...I give up.**

**Ed**

* * *

It was way too short...but writer's block hit again.


	10. Jealousy

**Author's Note: **You didn't expect a chapter to appear so soon, right? Well let me tell you something, I'm a troll.

* * *

**Chapter X: Jealousy.**

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Colonel wants you to introduce him to a cute young girl.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

So he likes young girls, eh?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I've told you there's something suspicious about this guy. **

**Ed **

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Well I'm free.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**WINRY. WHAT THE HELL.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

What? Do you think I'm not good enough for him?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**NO, IT'S NOT THAT.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Then?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Then what. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Are you jealous?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**…**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

You're jealous.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Lies.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, I decided to ask Ling out.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**DON'T.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

And why not~?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Because he has AIDS. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

ED, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Did I say it is?**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Just admit it. You're jealous.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Never.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Hm. I'm wonder what to do with this fresh delicious apple pie I've baked…

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I hate you.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

No, you don't.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Yes, I do.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Just admit you're jealous and this apple pie is all yours.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Will you bake me pie everyday?**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Yeah.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Marry me.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Wait. Is that your proposal?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**No, that's what I say to the Colonel when I'm bored.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

SO AL WAS RIGHT. WAIT UNTIL GRANNY HEARS.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Wait. NO. **

**Ed**

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Winry? **

**Ed**

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**WINRY!**

**Ed**

* * *

Ah, the alchemy between Ed and Roy. Ok, kidding. ^^" Hope you liked the chapter~ xD


	11. Marriage

**Author's Note: **Here's another chapter for you, beloved readers and reviewers.

* * *

**Chapter XI: Marriage**

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**I heard we're getting married. **

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

Yeah, go make me a sandwich.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**No, YOU go make me a sandwich.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

I'm not the woman in the house, ok?

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**Neither am I.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

We're not married either.

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**Well not yet.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear Colonel,

Is this a joke?

Ed

**Dear Fullmetal,**

**Our relationship is NOT a joke.**

**Colonel Mustang**

Dear "Colonel",

Winry, I know it's you. Your address is written on the envelope.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**It was worth trying…**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

I'm a womanizer. Not a young lady in a miniskirt. Colonel and I are so not meant to be together.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**A womanizer?**

**Winry **

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Yes, you have no idea how many cute girls are here in Central.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**Interesting…**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Now look who's jealous.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**That's stupid! I'm not jealous.**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Yeah, I believe you.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**Really?**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Yes. I mean really now. You love nothing but automail.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**Thanks, I suppose…**

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

I can't wait to see you as a bride, next to a wrench dressed as a priest and an automail armor dressed as the groom.

Ed

**Dear Alchemy Freak,**

**Well I can't wait to see you end up as a stripper in a bar in Vegas, next to Charlie Sheen and a huge number of beer bottles. **

**Winry**

Dear Uncute Machine Freak,

Touché.

Ed

* * *

Oh, c'mon. I just had to add Charlie, I miss him in Two and a Half Men. :-/ Hope you liked the chapter.


	12. Ed's Hormones And a Nokia

**Author's Note**: I bet many of you lost their hope. In spite of that, I continued this. I'm sorry for making you wait so long, and I promise I'll write more as soon as the exams are over. And they will be over soon...So don't worry guys, I'm not giving up on this little story yet!

Enjoy the chapter~

* * *

**CHAPTER XII: Ed's Hormones And a Nokia**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

How was your day?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Horrible.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

And why is that?

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**My automail arm...**

**Ed**

Dead Alchemy Freak,

Ed, what happened to the automail arm?

P.S.: I swear I'll kill you.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**You wrote 'dead', instead of 'dear'. **

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

It was on purpose, you moron.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**...**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

So what happened with the automail arm? My wrenches are ready.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Do you have any idea how much that sounded like 'My body is ready'?**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I asked, what happened.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**It got hit by a Nokia 3310.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Then I'm sorry, I can't do anything.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**You're kidding, right?**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Yes.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**So you can repair it...**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

No.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Why not? You grumpy cat.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

Ed, it was a Nokia that caused that, dammit! I can't repair it, I'll have to make a new one!

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Also bake apple pie.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

No.

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**Grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat, grumpy cat...**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

I'll be waiting for you...

Winry

**Dear Uncute Machine Freak,**

**I knew I'll get you in my bed eventually.**

**Ed**

Dear Alchemy Freak,

OH GOD WHY.

Winry

* * *

I used Grandma's new Nokia for inspiration. LOL. I regret nothing.


End file.
